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DVR: The Musical!

Right before all the new fall shows started, I had my TiVo down to only 15% full, and most of that was shows we record for my daughter, because heaven forbid that Little Miss is not entertained while I am making dinner. (No, seriously – if she doesn’t get to watch “Phineas and Ferb” after school, just like we do every day, things are more apt to degenerate into anarchy in my house than they usually are.)

But now the new fall season is underway, and we watch what we can in real time, but when there are like five different shows that start at 8:00 on Monday nights, you can only watch so much and still know what’s going on, so of course the DVR is my very best friend. How did people live without TiVo’s for all this time? Is this why previous empires fell – because they didn’t have sufficient broadcast entertainment?

Here’s my problem, though: we watch A LOT of television in my house. For people who consider themselves semi-intellectual, it’s kind of an embarrassing amount of television. And we watch so many different kinds of stuff. Reality shows, dramas, comedies. Shows about travel and music and snark and eating bugs for money. And as we try to keep up with the shows on the TiVo, scrolling through all those screens to try to decide what particular flavor of escapism that we’re going to indulge in that night, stuff starts bleeding together.

And then I start have those dreams. I have weird dreams to begin with, but when I have my Television Dreams, things go completely bonkers. Characters from one show end up in my kitchen discussing plot lines from another show. Jeff Probst and Tom Colicchio sit on my couch wearing costumes from other series. And at some point, I wake up in the middle of the night and mutter to myself, “Everything would just be so much easier if we combined some of these shows, so it doesn’t take us three weeks to catch up on seven days’ worth of television.”

Those are the dreams that make me start thinking that “DVR: The Musical!” would be an excellent idea – where I can get a nice dose of “Glee” mixed in with all my other regular programming. In my fevered dreams, it would look something like this:

Our show would open with the current cast of “The Amazing Race” on a giant amphitheater stage somewhere – Greece, maybe, because that would only be fitting, right? – everyone wearing their Amazing Fanny Packs, joining together for a rousing version of “Bon Voyage (There’s No Cure Like Travel” from Anything Goes complete with a kickline. The line “so kiss me pretty wench, in English or in French” would of course be sung by Phil Keoghan, front and center.

Next up, we’d have the cast of “The Good Wife.” Well, Christine Baranski from that show, anyway, who has actual Broadway bona fides and everything. She would sing “Send in the Clowns” from A Little Night Music because … well, I don’t know why, but she’d be most excellent.

My Monday shows end up in some kind of inexplicable mashup of songs from “Spamalot,” and heavily feature Neil Patrick Harris singing “You Won’t Succeed on Broadway,” Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard dueting on “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” and Jon Cryer – yes, I still watch “Two and a Half Men,” shut up – singing “Not Dead Yet.” Backing vocals would be provided by the various groups on “The Sing-Off,” and there’d also be a lot of crazy knees-bent dancing about, including Ashton Kutcher in a kilt. (Listen, I already said these are fevered dreams. I make no apologies for my unconscious subconscious. Or my undying devotion to Duckie Dale.)

Tuesday is “Glee” night, and since this whole thing is basically one big Malibu Barbie Dream “Glee” Episode, the kids don’t figure in at all. But I can picture LL Cool J, Chris O’Donnell, and Zooey Deschanel doing some kind of battle rap, or possibly a song from Rent, although I can’t for the life of me imagine which one, or why. Apparently even my crazy brain has its limits.

Then we get to Wednesdays, and “Survivor: South Pacific,” which is probably why my evil wicked musical theater training does this to me in the first place. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for Mark Burnett failing to include Rodgers & Hammerstein songs in every single episode this season. But in my sick little skull, I can picture Brandon Hantz and the ghost of his uncle, Russell Hantz (who technically actually IS not dead yet) leering at all the girls and singing a creepy, disturbing version of “Pretty Women” from Sweeney Todd which would go on to win an Emmy and a Grammy.

After that, the whole cast of “Modern Family” would do its thing with “Anything You Can Do” from Annie Get Your Gun, which will end with Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy – or possibly his wife, Claire, played by Julie Bowen – “accidentally” shooting Eric Stonestreet, who is playing Cameron-as-Fizbo-the-Clown, in the face with a confetti cannon. This bit is absolutely hilarious in my mind, especially because it includes Ed O’Neill singing.

And then I take my medication, because COME ON, this is crazy even for me.

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[author_info]About the Author

Rachel Gonzales (aka “rockle”) is a regular Lifestyle contributor. She is the actual child in her profile picture, which was taken in 1976, so it probably goes without saying that mistakes were made. You can read more of her here on Prime Parents Club, or on her blog, rockle-riffic. [/author_info][/author]

I am 4' 11½" tall -- my entire life is short. Also loud and crazy. Prime Parents' Club General Contributor.

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