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Dear Rachel Zoe

Dear Rachel Zoe,

I don’t understand you.

You see, I shouldn’t like you at all. You seemingly embody everything that gets on my nerves. First of all, we know you’re lying about your age. Quit insisting you are in your 30s. It’s okay to be 40, I promise. You know what else is okay? Eating. You should try it some time. Seriously.

Also, the way you speak is ridiculous. Not “ridic.” Ridiculous. See how I did that? You are not a teenager snapping gum, you’re an (at least 40-year-old) adult. I know you’re busy, but you are not so busy that you must shorten all words to one syllable.

Speaking of busy, your favorite topic of conversation is how busy you are. So very busy. We get it. You are super important and fashion would end if you weren’t there to pick out pumps for Kim Kardashian to wear. Please Rachel, take a day off, lay around in your pajamas, and watch The Breakfast Club on cable. You’ll feel much better.

I also can’t figure out how, at nine months pregnant, you looked only slightly bloated, like maybe you ate little too much at Thanksgiving dinner. At nine months pregnant, I looked like I had swallowed a basketball, and people stared at me as though I might explode. And while we are on the topic, you do understand you’re having an actual child right? I’m still trying to figure out why you asked your assistant to decorate your new home with white EVERYTHING. Good luck with that.

Why am I listing off all of my petty complaints about your life and looks? Because as I said, I don’t understand you. I should hate you, for all the reasons listed above (and don’t get me started on your husband, Rodger). And yet, I find you strangely endearing. You’re good at what you do, even if the way you do it makes me slightly twitchy. You have an eye for fashion that can’t be denied, and I even like some of the items in the line you’ve designed. I’d look pretty “ridic” taking my kids to Target in a strapless bubble dress, but those handbags? I DIE.

You’re my polar opposite, Rachel. You should be my arch nemesis, the Lex Luthor to my Superman. And yet, you melt my cynical little heart like kryptonite. There’s something about you I love, something that keeps me tuning in to your show. Something that has me rooting for you to succeed (while I also root for you to eat a darn sandwich every now and then).

I give up, Rachel Zoe. You win. You annoy me to no end, but I’m a fan.

 

Sincerely,

Crystal

PS: I’m serious about the pajamas/Breakfast Club thing. You should try it. It’s amazeballs.

 


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[author_info]About the Author

Crystal Paschal is our regular Entertainment Contributor bringing you all the juicy celeb gossip and TV/movie info that you love. When she’s not watching TV (most often of cartoon nature because of her kids), she writes on her blog at MomForLess.com. You can also find her on Facebook, or follow her on Twitter as @Mom4Less.

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Crystal Paschal is our general contributor giving us great posts across all topics. Crystal is the owner and founder of It's Fundamental, a children's book blog. She also blogs about family life at Mom For Less. You can find It's Fundamental on Facebook, and follow Crystal on Twitter at @Mom4Less.

10 Comments

  1. rockle

    October 24, 2011 at 11:39 am

    just for fun, you should subscribe to “the zoe report,” rachel’s daily newsletter of “must-have” fashions. i think it comes out every day. i am not a huge fashion person — i mean, i love project runway, but that’s because i adore shows about the creative process, i could care less about the actual CLOTHES, except to make fun of them. but SWEET CRACKER SANDWICH, “the zoe report” is high freaking comedy. like the one time when it included a “bargain splurge” and the featured item was A PAIR OF $8,900 GOLD-LAME HAMMER PANTS.

    no, i am not making this up. she put $8,900 gold-lame hammer pants in a newsletter and titled it a “bargain splurge.” GOLD-LAME HAMMER PANTS THAT COST MORE THAN MY CAR.

    it’s nice to see what the weather is like on her home planet sometimes.

    • Crystal Paschal

      October 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

      Hmmm…a semester of college or Hammer pants? Tough call.

      The funny thing about Rachel Zoe is that she doesn’t seem to realize that she has a completely different set of priorities than 99% of the world. For that reason, she can suggest that $8,900 Hammer pants are a bargain without a trace of irony. I really think she believes that they are a “steal!” She makes me feel a little like Andi in The Devil Wears Prada.

  2. Tina

    October 20, 2011 at 8:03 am

    I too must agree. I LOVE HER, but was it just me or they DID NOT show her in her hospital bed? They showed video from in the room but never her. I can only guess she turns into an Olsen twin when the cameras off. Weird and who has millions of dollars millions of workers and friends and two weeks before your delivery DON’T HAVE YOUR NURSERY DONE? NOT EVEN STARTED? Her shoes are to die for though!

    • Jackie (WritRams)

      October 20, 2011 at 11:18 pm

      Hahahhahaa at “Turns into an Olsen twin.”

      I love how she kept saying she was taking Channel robes, etc. I was like, “Duuuuuude, childbirth is MESSY.”

      • Crystal Paschal

        October 23, 2011 at 12:05 pm

        Exactly! I wouldn’t even take my own Target nightgowns with me when I gave birth, let alone Chanel. Hospital gowns aren’t the cutest, but I didn’t feel bad about staining them!

    • Crystal Paschal

      October 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

      You know, I’ve read all kinds of conspiracy theories on the internet that she wasn’t pregnant at all. Some people think that she used a surrogate and faked being pregnant. I don’t know if I buy it, but your observations make those theories much more interesting.

      • Jackie (WritRams)

        October 24, 2011 at 5:09 pm

        I don’t believe it. She definitely got that puffy pregnancy face there at the end. (Not a bad thing, she just looked pregnant everywhere except her mid section LOL)

        • Crystal Paschal

          October 26, 2011 at 10:16 pm

          Yeah, I don’t believe it either. But it’s interesting to me that people would even think she’d do something like that. I mean, I know she’s crazy…but really? That seems a bit much, and I don’t think Rodger would have gone along with a kooky idea like that.

    • gloria

      November 3, 2011 at 9:34 am

      Tina, it is a religious/cultural thing for Jewish people. If it is religious I don’t get it since I don’t get any impression that they practice their faith. Guess it is like Catholics who only go to church on Easter. ha

  3. Jackie (WritRams)

    October 20, 2011 at 7:47 am

    HA! I feel THE EXACT SAME WAY as this. She annoys the hell out of me, yet I can’t stop watching her and even admiring her for her fashion intuition. WTH?!?