Parenting Sucks | Why It’s Okay to Say You Hate Parenthood
Over the weekend I found myself sitting in my dark closet and sobbing uncontrollably. I’ll spare you the details of all that led up to it, but suffice it to say that it’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last. And the “cry locations” vary–sometimes it’s the pantry or laundry room and sometimes it’s the car–basically anywhere my 3-year-old won’t see me hating parenthood.
That’s right, I said it: Being a parent sucks.
I heard the collective intake of air from those of you judging.
How could she say that?
Parenting is such an awesome thing!
Kids are such blessings!
True. All of that is true. Despising parenthood on occasion doesn’t mean that I don’t love my child more than life itself or that I hate being a parent all the time. Sometimes the love for my kid and parenting swells my heart so big that I’m sure it’s going to burst out of my chest. Other times? I end up in the closet sobbing and wondering what happened to my sense of self and my old life.
The thing that I don’t get is why “parenting sucks” are hushed words that we only whisper to another parent over coffee or write to another reluctantly in an email, contemplating over and over before we actually hit send? Why are we ashamed of it?
Here’s why: We’re afraid of the judgement. (Yes, you know who you are. You’re the ones with your finger itching to click away from this post right now.) People judge you if you don’t confess undying love for parenting every single second of the day. But, here’s the thing: It sucks. It consumes you. It takes away your life. In many cases, it takes away the identity of who you are/used to be. If your job–the one that someone pays you to do–made you feel this way, you would talk to everyone who would listen about how awful it is. But because parenting deals with kids and family, we make it a taboo topic, not allowing ourselves permission to speak about it in a derogatory way lest we think ourselves failures (or worse yet, someone else thinks we are a failure).
A few weeks ago a mom emailed me and asked if I liked being a parent. My response was something like, “If you are asking if there are days when I want to bash my head against a mirror and use the shards to carve curse words into my legs, then yes. I have those days. Sometimes everyday.” I didn’t hear back from her so I was afraid my imagery was a little much. When I reached out to her, she let me know just how much it meant to validate exactly what she was feeling. I later had a similar discussion with a dad who said he had been MIA online because “this parenting thing is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.”
What would happen if we all sat around alone, being overwhelmed and never talking about how hard parenting is? We would just continue to spiral, thinking we are awful and guilting ourselves into never-never land
However, I’m here today to tell you that you’re not alone and that you don’t have to be perfect. I’m releasing you from that right now. As a matter of fact, I’m giving you permission to talk about it. It  is possible to feel disdain for parenting, your kids, your spouse, your dog, your [everything] on occasion without it making you a bad person. In fact, it makes you quite normal (even if your friends won’t talk about it).
So the next time you feel guilty for saying how much parenthood sucks, remember this: those parents who seem like they have it all together and will only talk to you about the positive aspects of parenting are secretly crying in the bathroom, too.
Category: Features, Parenting/Family
About the Author (Author Profile)
Jacqueline Wilson is a prime parent, wife, published author and freelance writer. She writes here, on Prime Parents’ Club, and on her observational parenting humor blog, WritRams.com: Writer Ramblings on Parenting Imperfectly. Follow her on Twitter as @WritRams and on her Facebook page. She recently wrote an e-Book on the REAL truth about how blogs make money.Subscribe
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Thank you for saying/writing what all the rest of us think. Yes, it DOES suck! (..a lot at times!)
Agreed. I didn’t make it to the closet yesterday and had a world class meltdown with/on/next to my kids. When I was done and had come up for air – I apologized. I told them that there were many things pulling at me right now and I was having a little trouble keeping it all together.
Thanks for writing about this.
Cate
I feel so overwhelmed right now, I don’t even know how to make it thru the day… To be a parent to a three year old can be so hard – you know what I mean! Thanks for such an open post! ((HUGS))
Thank you for writing this honest post describing exactly how I have felt many times over the last 10 years since I became a Mom!
Jackie
THANK YOU! I was just thinking over the weekend (as the time changed totally effed my life) “I just want to sleep through the night without getting up ONCE. Just ONE TIME PLEASE?” But then felt guilty because one day they won’t be little anymore and you will miss this time blah blah…
No, I won’t. I will miss many things about them being little, but I won’t miss waking up at 2am, then 5am, then 6:30am EVERY DAY.
/end rant
Jackie,
I want to let you know that we discussed parenting techniques via the Love and Logic approach in my MOPS group today. At the end of the discussion I shared some parting words about parenting from my perspective as a mom of “older” children (over 5) and I ended up using this blog post in my closing comments. This was completely off the cuff and unplanned. As I mentioned your blog saying that sometimes you hate being a parent, I saw a fellow American mom gasp and make a horrific face. I really wanted to admonish her right then and there for judging, but I didn’t…I just kept going and shared your words about loving your children more than life does not mean that you “love” parenting EVERYDAY. I could almost feel the collective sigh in the room. After the meeting THREE mothers came up to tell me how much they appreciated my closing statement and how relieved they were to know that we all feel that way sometimes and it is okay.
So thanks for triggering my brain to give a meaningful speech.
Great post and glad someone came out with the truth…I came across this on twitter via @writrams. There are days I feel this way myself…I have written about it,but am glad to know others have these feelings&I’m not the only one.
It is hard not to feel guilty sometimes when you miss your life before becoming a parent,but as you say I love my kids and would give my life for them but there are always those moments you wish you could just get away from it all. I miss dancing,going&doing things on my own when I feel like it, but I guess it is somewhat selfish to want those things.
Part of marriage and committing to children is giving up those things…but it doesn’t mean we can’t/won’t still long for those moments. My sister&her husband do many of the things they did before marriage&kids because they are very outdoorsy&active&now their girls are,but my lifestyle is not like theirs so I can’t apply the same to mine. I was one who enjoyed going out on weekends,dancing,movies, dating,etc…now of course all that is different with a husband and kids, but when I think back to those days, while it was fun I also longed for marriage and family.
So it seems you can never be happy all the time, life is ever changing and growing and learning to accept our choices.
Never been so happy to read something in my entire life. I love my children to death but I despise parenthood. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I often sit and wonder what I was thinking. The vast majority of the parenting has been done by me and I have gone through the wringer with their father who was deployed a lot of the time or gone for various courses. It all laid on my shoulders and I discovered those shoulders weren’t as strong as I thought. I have many days when I am just struggling to make it through to bedtime when I can take an hour to watch TV and drink a cup of tea. I advise everyone I know who is thinking of having children to think again!
Thank you for such an honest and brave (because you are darn right about the finger pointers!) missive!
Please continue to share this post. As you can see from the comments alone, it is such an important topic to discuss and let other parents know you’re not alone!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Now, if I can just remember this the next time my patience is wearing and I’ve had it up to here.
BTW, I’m adding this to my favorites page.
So glad this helped Tonya. We ALL need this reminder on occasion. Be sure to share it with your friends. You know some of them are feeling it, too…
/jackie