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Fifty Shades of Dyson | Lusting After a Vacuum Cleaner


Everywhere I go, I’m hearing about Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotic novel by E L James. The book and its PrimeParentsClubChristianGreyPhoto sequels have been at the top of the New York Times and Amazon bestseller lists for weeks. Women everywhere are lusting after the fictional Christian Grey. I hear about him at the supermarket, the pediatrician’s office, and of course on the Internet. This book trilogy is heating up an already hot summer.

The object of my affection is much more real, but most women would consider him considerably less exciting. That won’t stop me from swooning every time I see him. He’s the sleek, sexy, powerful Dyson vacuum.

My Dyson Lust

I know you probably think it’s lame for me to have such strong feelings about a household appliance, but hear me out. I have a husband, two young sons, and two dogs, one of whom sheds a pound of hair every time she exhales. My cheap vacuum just can’t keep up. I clog it up with cracker crumbs and dog hair after five minutes of vacuuming. The whole process is tiring and frustrating, and it makes me long for a fancy vacuum powerful enough to suck my face off.

So why don’t I have my very own Dyson? Well, I don’t have an extra $500 lying around, and if I did I would probably have to use it for something boring, like paying bills. I lobbied hard to get a Dyson under the tree last year, but my husband wasn’t having it: “You hardly ever use the vacuum we have. I’m not spending $500 on a new one.” I promised I would use the Dyson every single day and twice on Sundays if he would just pretty pleeeeease buy it for me. Apparently I was not very convincing, because that was six months ago and I am still Dyson-less.

Vacuum Low Point

I hit a low point in my non-relationship with the vacuum in question a few weeks ago. I went to visit my mom … and she had bought a Dyson. MY MOM. BOUGHT. A DYSON. I felt like I was back in high school and my mom was dating my crush. The woman has no carpet, no children, and two tiny, non-shedding dogs. She doesn’t need a Dyson. I need a Dyson. It’s not fair!

I continue to admire my main man from afar, gazing wistfully as I pass down his aisle in Walmart. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, the fancy $500 vacuum will be mine. Until then, I wait, I hope, and a little piece of me dies every time the dog drags her butt across the ground.

Ladies, you can keep Christian Grey. He may be sexy, but I doubt he can sweep up a smashed graham cracker like my man can. He may have sex toys, but he doesn’t have a pet hair attachment.

I love you, Dyson. I’ll see you in my dreams.

No, Dyson did not sponsor this post in any way. I just happen to have a deep and possibly unhealthy obsession with a vacuum cleaner. Shut up.


Image: Ambro

Crystal Paschal is our general contributor giving us great posts across all topics. Crystal is the owner and founder of It's Fundamental, a children's book blog. She also blogs about family life at Mom For Less. You can find It's Fundamental on Facebook, and follow Crystal on Twitter at @Mom4Less.


  1. Lydia

    February 22, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Ahhh, to have a vacuum that works well. (And I don’t care much for Christian Grey myself.) :)

  2. Kristin @littlemamajama

    February 19, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I lust after a Dyson, too!

  3. Katy

    July 18, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    1. I need to read 50 Shades

    2. Your mom dates cooler vacuums than you!

    • Crystal

      July 18, 2012 at 11:23 pm

      That hurt, Katy. :-)

  4. Ann-Marie

    July 9, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Girl, this cracked me up. I, too, lust after a Dyson. We have two vacuums, one downstairs was given to me IN 1994 by my parents when I got my first apartment after college. The second was MY IN-LAWS’ before they passed it on to us. I’m hoping this is the year for my Fifty Shades of crap on my carpet to get sucked up properly with a new vacuum.

    • Crystal

      July 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm

      Our vacuum is a hand-me-down, too! It’s not a bad little vacuum, it’s just not made to keep up with my two boys, two dogs, and husband. We had a second vacuum, but it stopped working because it was SO CLOGGED WITH DOG HAIR. Sigh.

  5. Anja

    July 4, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I hear ya! When we moved a couple years back, I borrowed my friends Dyson to clean the new carpet – and I fell in love. After we moved to Germany, I saw a really nice canister Dyson on sale in a catalog. And the 0% financing for 12 month sold my husband. BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER! I even took it cross country to my mom’s and my Grandma’s house. They couldn’t believe how much dirt still came out of the carpet after they used their vacuum. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    • Crystal

      July 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

      Thanks! I have been tempted to borrow my mom’s, but then I know I will want one even MORE. One day!

  6. Becki

    July 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

    This cracked me up. Mostly because I feel the same way about the silly novel series and the Dyson. I have been lusting after a Dyson for years now. My parents have one, but they have two dogs so they definitely need it. But every time I visit it takes a lot of self-control to stop myself from very casually packing it into the back of my car and pretending like it was mine that I brought with me and I’m taking home with me.

    • Crystal

      July 3, 2012 at 2:03 pm

      ME TOO. I am so tempted to “borrow” it and then “lose” it. Oops!

  7. Watson

    July 3, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Awesome! I really like this story. I will buy a copy once it is on the shelves!

    • Crystal

      July 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

      Thanks Watson!

  8. Prime Parents Club

    July 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

    This post was SO FUNNY, but I laughed RIGHT OUT LOUD when I got to “every time the dog drags her butt across the ground.” Thanks for that.


    • Crystal

      July 3, 2012 at 11:13 am

      I will pass your compliments on to the dog :)

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