It’s almost an unwritten law that having a child forces you to grow-up. One area where this is almost unavoidable for men is clothing. You don’t see a lot of mothers chasing their children around in low riders and stiletto heels. Men, however, cling to their pre-baby wardrobes tenaciously, as if not running to the store in sweatpants and a stained Coors Light T-shirt instantly makes them an old geezer.
Guys, no one is saying that you have to wear three piece suits all day everyday, but there’s some stuff you should throw out before your significant other has to do it for you.
Look guys, here’s the deal: men’s underwear should have four holes, one at the top, two for your legs and one for…well you get the idea. If your underwear has more than four holes it’s time to toss them. If your underwear is any color other than the one they were when you bought them-GET SOME NEW ONES. I don’t care how comfortable that ratty pair of boxers you bought five years ago is, get rid of them.
Your wife will thank you.
Remember that T-shirt with the farmer on it standing next to a giant rooster? The one that says “I have a big c*ck” on it? Your college buddies thought that shirt was hilarious. Your child’s teacher? Not so much.
Likewise anything Co-Ed Naked or Big Johnson. A good rule of thumb is if it makes you titter like a schoolgirl (like you probably just did at the word “titter), it’s probably not appropriate dad wear for you today.
Every guy has that favorite shirt that they’ve had for so long that one more wash would turn it into a pile of thread. It could be a shirt with so many holes that you may as well walk around the house topless. Mine was an old Star Wars T-shirt, but yours might be a sports team or your favorite rock band. Whatever is on the shirt (or other favorite holey thing), whether it’s your “Lucky shirt” or just something comfy as all get out, if it’s so porous that it wouldn’t even make a good rag, it needs to go.
Look it’s great to have a goal, especially when attempting to lose weight. However, holding onto those jeans you wore senior year because you might lose enough weight to get back into them? Never gonna happen, dude. (Not to mention, acid wash is out.) By the time you get back into the same shape you were in high school, your grandkids will be running around in those very same Levis laughing at how Granddad called their pants “dungarees.”
Bottom line: if you’re over thirty you’re not squeezing into anything purchased in the 20th century. Speaking of which…
Parachute pants, acid wash jeans, polyester leisure suits–they are all as dead as disco.
That old Members Only jacket doesn’t even work “ironically” anymore. Your best bet is to throw all your fad clothing away, unless you want to risk your kids finding your old Hypercolor T-shirts and teasing you mercilessly. (You’re welcome.)
Pig Butts Image and Tshirt from Amazon: