Other Parent is Too Strict

What’s Wrong with Being a Strict Parent?

It is quite common for one parent to think that the other parent is too strict. The overly strict parent may be the biological parent of your child (i.e. your current spouse or your ex-spouse). Just as easily, the overly strict parent may be the child’s step-parent (i.e. your spouse from your recent re-marriage). No matter who it is, watching this person parent your child (or children) is a painful experience for you. You think that this person is unduly harsh or demanding and may be damaging your child. What can you do about it?

What is Too Strict?

Few parents feel that they, themselves, are too strict. In fact, most parents think that their own perspective on setting rules and boundaries for children is “just right.” If the other parent does it differently, that other parent is seen as “too lenient” or “too strict.” We use our our own values as as the golden standard!

In fact, there is a more objective way to determine whether or not a parent is too strict. We can look at how the children are doing. We need to look at three main areas:

  • the quality of the parent-child relationship
  • the child’s behavior and performance
  • the child’s emotional health

Let’s look at each of these individually. If a parent is too strict, this will affect the quality of the parent-child relationship. Children resent parents who are overly strict. They feel closer to those who seem to understand them and respect their natures and their limitations.

Take the case of 17-year-old Sandra, for example. Sandra’s father insists that she come home at 9 p.m. on the weekends, whereas her friends are typically allowed to stay out till midnight. Since her father’s strict rule ruins Sandra’s social life, she resents him – in fact, she says she “hates” him. Sandra feels that her father doesn’t understand how important her social life is to her and when she tries to explain it to him, he seems more interested in his own rules than in her happiness and well-being. As a result, her affection for the man is seriously compromised.

An overly strict parent will not be able to have a warm, loving relationship with his or her kids because the parent’s standards convey a lack of empathy for the child. Even if the parent applies strict rules and standards out of love, as most do, it is not the love that the child experiences, but rather, the unreasonableness of the rules and standards. True love has to take the child’s feelings into account.

Child’s behavior and performance.

When a parent puts reasonable boundaries and limits on a child in a loving and flexible way, the child thrives. For instance, parents who limit computer time, insist on homework time, impose a bedtime and demand punctuality for school, actually help their children learn to function well – providing all these fixed times are appropriate and reasonable for the child’s age and personal limitations (this is where flexibility comes in).

However, when parents raise the bar too high with overly strict rules and regulations (i.e. the computer time is virtually non-existent, the homework time is excessively long, the bedtime is unreasonably early and the morning routine is so tight as to be unpleasant), children often react with poor behavior of various types.

When a child becomes sneaky, manipulative, and/or dishonest, it can be an indication that the rules are too many and/or too strict. Children have to survive somehow and one way is by breaking the rules constantly. However, since overly strict parents also tend to be punitive, the kids become experts at devious behavior.

On the other hand, in homes where the standards are reasonable and the child can breathe freely, there is no need for deceptive behavior; the child is able to comply with parental demands without resorting to lies and games. In short, the more deceptive your child is, the more likely it is that a parent is being overly strict.

Child’s emotional health.

When parents are warm, understanding, and reasonable, children thrive emotionally. On the other hand, when parents are intimidating, rigid, and unreasonable (overly strict), then children can manifest various types of stress reactions. Some kids develop eating disorders. Some develop addictive behaviors. Some have anxiety. Others get depressed. Some don’t seem to react at the time they are dealing with an unreasonable parent, but later on in life, develop trauma syndromes or personality problems related to the dysfunctional home in which they grew up. Although children suffer stress and emotional problems for many reasons (some of them purely biological, others triggered by social and academic stress or personal traumatic experiences), living for a couple of decades with an overly strict parent is a definite stressor and can trigger both emotional issues and physical stress syndromes like headaches, stomach problems, and other health problems.

If Your Spouse is Too Strict

Parents who are strict usually love their kids and have no desire to hurt them. They just want them to grow up “right.” They cannot see the damage they are causing. However, one thing is clear: you cannot get your spouse to lighten up by reprimanding him or her for being too strict. Criticizing the strict spouse for his or her parenting approach simply makes the person feel unsupported. The spouse is likely to turn against YOU for “siding” with the children.

Instead of attacking your spouse for overly strict parenting, PRAISE him or her for wise and compassionate parenting. No one is strict on every issue all the time. Let’s say that your overly strict wife decides to let your son sleepover at a friend’s house on a school night. You can say something like, “That was really nice of you. I know that Jay really appreciates that. He’s lucky to have a mom like you!” Of course, do this in a way that sounds genuinely appreciative and definitely NOT sarcastic! By attending to appropriate parenting behaviors, you can reinforce this kind of parenting and help extinguish overly strict tendencies.

Another step you can take is to talk to your spouse about how much the kids love him or her. This helps the overly strict parent relax into more relationship-oriented (as opposed to rule-oriented) parenting.

When your spouse is overly strict with children in front of you, don’t intervene unless there is an issue of physical or emotional abuse (of the kind that Family Services would call “abuse”). If you disagree with his or her intervention, but it is not abusive, then let it go – until you have a private moment with your spouse. When clearly out of earshot of the kids, you can then talk to your partner. Start off by describing what you think is right about your partner’s intervention (i.e. “I’m so glad you laid down the law about homework time! These kids need to apply themselves more seriously to their schoolwork.”)

Only AFTER naming the positive side of your partner’s intervention, should you go on to attempt to modify the overly strict side of it (“I’m just thinking that 3 hours might be too much for them right after school and I was wondering how you would feel if we knocked that down to two hours, with one hour before dinner and one hour after dinner. That would leave them time for their extra-curricular activities which I think are also important for their development. What do you think?”). This sort of approach is far less confrontational than direct accusations (“The kids are going to hate your guts if you lay down rules like that for them”). As a result, it has a better chance of helping your partner learn to address the child’s needs and feelings as he or she is setting rules and limits.

FAQs about Strict Parenting

How do you deal with an overly strict parent?

Dealing with an overly strict parent can be difficult, and it may be important to set boundaries if the situation becomes unhealthy. Parents should strive to keep communication open and honest and remind themselves that their children are individuals with different needs and desires. It is also important to take a step back and acknowledge the potential for one’s parenting style to be too harsh or overbearing. If a child is being restricted from developing basic autonomy, parents should assess why this is and consider taking a more balanced approach.

How strict is too strict in parenting?

Every family has its own dynamics and an individualized approach to parenting. However, when parents become too restrictive or demanding, it can lead to feelings of shame, powerlessness, or even rebellion in children. This can cause a range of issues in the long term, including difficulty with forming relationships or self-esteem issues. To balance discipline with caring and support, parents should prioritize setting fair expectations, offering meaningful rewards, and talking openly about challenging topics.

When a parent is too hard on a child?

When a parent is too hard on a child, it can cause feelings of anxiety, fear, and resentment. If this type of strict parenting continues for extended periods of time, it can have long-term psychological effects such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, relationship difficulties, and poor academic performance. Parents should remember to set limits but also provide nurturing care and unconditional love so that children can feel supported and empowered in their decision-making.

What are the characteristics of a strict parent?

Strict parents typically enforce rules strictly and demand obedience from their children. They may use punishments such as physical discipline or verbal threats to try and control the behavior of their children. Other signs of strict parenting include excessive monitoring of activities or behaviors, high expectations, and little room for negotiation.

Do strict parents have better kids?

While there is no single answer to this question, studies suggest that children raised in strict households tend to have higher levels of academic achievement and greater cognitive development. However, these benefits may come at the expense of poorer emotional regulation skills and lower self-esteem compared to children raised in more permissive households. Ultimately, it’s up to each individual family to strike a healthy balance between structure and flexibility in their parenting practices.

What is the most strict parenting style?

The most strict parenting style is typically authoritarian parenting, which involves rigid rules and expectations coupled with little warmth or empathy. This type of parenting encourages children to follow orders without question and suppresses any encouragement of independent thought. Research suggests that authoritarian parenting can be damaging to a child’s psychological well-being in the long-term.

What age of parenting is the hardest?

Different stages of parenting bring unique challenges. With young children, parents often struggle with regulating emotions and teaching life lessons. As children enter adolescence, parents may face tougher conversations about drugs or sex as well as navigating the teenage phase of pushing boundaries. For adults parenting adult children, new worries arise such as helping them find independence while still providing support. No matter what age group is being parented, each stage brings its own unique set of challenges.

What’s the hardest years of parenting?

Opinion on this varies; some people believe that the early years are the most difficult due to lack of sleep, colic, diaper changes and other regular struggles associated with raising newborns or young children. Others point out that parenting teenagers can be especially challenging due to issues such as independence, curfews, peer pressure, and other complex topics faced by adolescents. Ultimately, no two experiences of parenting are the same; every family faces different struggles during every age group.

Do strict parents raise sneaky kids?

Strict parenting does not necessarily guarantee “sneaky kids” as that usually has more to do with an individual’s personality traits than specific styles of parenting. However, research does suggest that authoritarian styles of parenting often inadvertently encourage children to be less honest and more secretive in order to avoid punishment or reprimand from their parents. Therefore, it is important for parents to set reasonable expectations for their children while raising them in a supportive environment.

What are the side effects of strict parenting?

Strict parenting can have adverse effects on both short-term behaviors and long-term outcomes for children. These can include distress over lack of freedom from parental control, feelings of strong resentment towards authority figures, or negative repercussions later in life such as difficulty forming meaningful interpersonal relationships or trust issues due to lack of supportive guidance earlier in childhood.

What is harsh parenting?

Harsh parenting is an umbrella term used to describe certain styles of parenting that involve excessive use of relational aggression, verbal abuse, humiliation, or physical punishments. This type of parenting pattern results in negative mental health outcomes for both children and parents alike such as decreased wellbeing or increased anxiety levels.

What is overprotective parenting?

Overprotective parenting (also known as ‘helicopter parenting’) is characterized by excessive monitoring or involvement in a child’s life that restricts the child’s autonomy or independence. Parents who practice overprotective parenting often attempt to shelter their children from perceived dangers resulting in feelings of discouragement or failure in the child when faced with difficult tasks.

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